April 19, 2008

I have reached an important decision MEA CULPA

For alotta years I have fought the same fight over and over and over and over to the point of insanity and self defeat.

I am now laying down my arms and accepting that I cannot keep this up, and it is a total waste of my time.

Some evil at this time cannot be defeated by ME.

I will now leave that part for others to do for me.

I will finally realize and accept that LOVE is my inheritance and forgive what has been done TO me and accept that I am not the only who suffers, but I am not going to let that evil pollute me any more. Even that principality cannot live forever any more than I can.

But it's not going to consume me in this same feverish way. For at least the present moment I must accept that it is going to be in front of my face and it doesn't have to "get in under my skin" anymore.

I walked into a trap without being aware of it, and I am not to blame for that - how was I to actually know? I was just a mother in love with her children and made profound mistakes.

I am sorry to all those I harmed while on this journey to accepting just what the dynamic was that was set in motion. Truly.

I will find ways to "let go, and let God" at this point and find new ways to cope with what has happened. It is now time for that.

When I was under eight years old, I had a powerful dream. The dream was walking by a house in my neighborhood that I had passed by many many times but had never seen a single soul outside or evident in the interior of the house in real life.

The house had some appeal to me as it was surrounded by a stone wall and was erected of stone, which was highly unusual in my neighborhood. The stones were always nice to feel on hot summer days walking around in the sunshine, as they were cool. So I would put my nice longer fingers on them and feel their smoothness on the hottest of days. As I would caress them, I could smell the most Divine Smells coming over the bushes over the walls. They never appeared to be pruned except in beginning of the season. Perhaps when I didn' t look someone went out and smelled them; I don't know for sure I never saw anyone do that. I do know that those bushes had a pattern to their planting however. They were some sort of indigenous honeysuckle, but had been DOMESTICATED.

I either wore my blue tennis shoes, or went barefoot up there, but never really planned my visits. They would _just _happen.

Somehow that house had iconic value for me and I knew that early on.

In the dream, I saw a wizard out on that lawn, or so he seemed to appear to me. I was already obsessed with the Wizard of Oz by then. Totally aware of this ongoing fascination of what goes on behind the scenes. It should be obvious to those understand symbolism that I would so wish for the figure in the dream to be a wizard.

Only the wizard and God were actually the same thing. And without words I knew that that was the connection.

The wizard stood tall and he was operating several boxes of electronic gear. Television was really a very new deal back then and I wondered why there was a TV screen on topic of these strange boxes. In fact right at the wizard's eye level. Such a thing had never been seen. Certainly not on Howdy Dowdy nor anywhere around Princess Summerfallwinterspring's images on television. It was about eight feet long I would reckon and on these boxes were many toggles, dials and what we would now call widgets. As I was dreaming I realized I was honestly some time in the future, maybe Seth would say it was in a parallel Universe but I beg to differ - it wasn't an alternative universe, it was the Universe of the moment of the dream; that is all.

To my surprise (aren't I just trite), the wizard looked directly at me. What precisely he was wearing I cannot recall; the garments were timeless, not all sparkly in Time of Yore, but not modern either. He was clearly not trying to portray himself as a monk, but was dressed so as not to startle or offend me. As I am recollecting maybe a dark blue, a sixth chakra color.

He kept flicking all the various levers and and toogles and he said,

One day you will know how God works.

I have carried around that message in my heart and I have put alot of energy into understanding that. I have never lost my belief, my inner knowledge that God sent me that dream on purpose, right at that particular time before all HELL broke loose and my father murdered my mother and killed himself.

I have had three nde's previously. I knew after my self-inflicted demise over a month ago I would be given "further instructions" very soon. That's the way it happens to me and I accept that.

I have not been as consumed with how God works as I have been how the destructive force works for long enough now. I must forgive even the devil herself as this piece of cunning went a bit passed me. I now know how powerful she (I refuse to capitalize it any longer ever, watch, you'll see - I have no further respect for the entity in anyway.) I have learned much about her ways however; i have seen for myself the handiwork of the devil as much as I care to see and I everlastingly say that I have no desire to know any more of her nooks and crannies as God directly sends my way. I will hunt them down no further.

I must go now before old age overtakes me completely and merely speak for the seventh generation and plant more acorns in places that need them. I do not have to be consumed by the computerbots anymore. They were purposely set up to keep us in combat and asymmetrical warfare for ever, robbing souls and breaking hearts.

Right from the beginning the internet has been been set up to track us. Anytime I enter its power THEY know where I am, what I say and reach into my inner most thoughts. But I can mostly decide where I wish to focus . the trouble is all these awful pornographic images that just proliferate the further afield you go in that matrix. I should have taken that picture of the robot looking at a dead Iraqi man as a warning picture and backed off then. But no, I still have this idea that I must have a sword of truth brandishing around revealing truth to people.

The fact is; inside the human ones they already know! I don't have to tell them.

I can still, if I so choose, continue to mount evidence against the monumental crimes committed. Or I can choose not to - in that way I am totally free at last. I REALize that in my quite direct confrontation with evil, that it is truly amazing that I am still allowed to live at all !! This really is the miracle. That REALity has no dependence on how anyone else defines it and I realized I did not need a MKUltra-produced book on miracles to make my shifts decades ago.

The miracle of life is not to be taken lightly. I have on occasionally pushed beyond the level of this human's endurance and wanted desperately for it all to end. I know the struggle Kurt Vonnegut went through and I always, always empathized. Children of suicides have a terrible time and I don't want my sons to see me do it. So I am going to take better care that I don't get to that "point" anymore.

Why I choose to be here upon the princesses' of darkness arrival I do not know. It could be destiny or it could be fate. What difference does that make? It is just that time and I am here. That is enough.

Perhaps now I can even give up my smoking addiction now that I know that. I don't need solace of that kind anymore. Somehow despite this horrible mess of insanity all round, I can find redemption and say, enough.

I cannot say this revelation is truly admitting powerlessness nor is it a statement of my insanity and I am willing to "turn it over" in the usual sense. I will be able to walk with my head up much straighter now and face anyone in the eye that is human and not curse my fate at being what seems like endless pain and loneliness created by her royal highness. Would I hand her her sceptre? I am not sure if it was so ordered. I don't know if I could. I do know i have no desire to hand her her whips and chains and waterboards. I have studied many of her implements of torture but it is now time to turn my focus utterly onto living things. This will dissolve the the wall of pain that has surrounded me - maybe forever.

I accept that this "kingdom" of earth is hers. I go to set my store in my father's house now.

I am sure that as before I will be missing my crazy and beautiful mother, even though I was told continually she was evil and worthless so many times. She was in fact a real warrioress by keeping my brother at that point in history, particularly US history when aboriginals were so abused and rejected.

Before I sign off I just want to say, she was more clever than I really. It was incredibly stupid on my part to think I could outperform her shitty logic by will alone, though. I will no longer look at her face in any image. I saw the truthful one just recently and I think that is why I got so sick and had to trudge back to a hospital once more. I need to go and get a letter from there, but I won't need to go there anymore expecting anyone at all to understand. As long as they are looking at her face, they simply cannot.

A would guess about a dozen people have helped me through this recent horrible detoxification process and I sincerely thank them. This clear out has been exceptionally difficult, but I think this time I am clear for a good while!! I am staring at the glass and surely it is more than half full as I feel real gratitude again. She nearly took that away from me by keeping track of her misdeeds.

Do not think I am mad, it's simply that now I see how incredibly weird it has all been set up.

Maybe now I will be free to do a beaded picture of this last Sweat Lodge!! That would be cool. I can listen to drums beating in the background while I string the beads together and not hear her digitalized sound ever again if I choose not to. I have no desire to see her descend upon her throne with her phony oath of office sworn on a Bible which to her mind is "only a book" anyway.

Yeah, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil.

But I will give her not another moment's publicity by fighting her publicly or on her machines!! I throw away all her graven images. I have finally REALized just how insidious she really is.

At this precise moment in time, I sign myself
Many Rivers
and go now to fill up a pail with clean water while I still may.

I cannot save everyone nor be a Mother Theresa, I live a Theresa of Avila existence now and that is alright as I recover my sanity.

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