LadyBroadoak Visionary Planetary Healing Tutorial

April 28, 2007

Light bulb jokes .. and more!!

The web is abuzz with the news (bad) about the new light bulbs and with jabs at Al Gore becuz he is still drawing the concept of a fresh idea with a graphic of the OLD light bulb, so in the spirit of FUN I give you ...

LOTS of light bulb jokes. You are gonna need them as the debate over the new light bulbs gets "heated".

And a hats off to the surrealists of note who read on this list. They seem to take the prize for the best "jokes" -- but then were just fishing on bicycles for the the best joke on purple monkeys. That is how they wash dishes ...

light bulb changer GIF image courtesy totally absurd.com

energy saver light bulb Stress reliever "ball"
from www.logoproducts.com

Light bulb jokes have been around probably since Thomas Edison. We hope we've listed some of your favorites.

Enjoy!

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

None - "It's fine, I'll sit here in the dark, I'll be ok, don't worry about me...."

Thanks for the above to:
Yvonne Gilmore
Energy Analyst
Christchurch (New Zealand) City Council

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Mr. Spock. How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?

Exactly 1.0000000000.

How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They are smart enough to use compact fluorescent bulbs that almost never need changing.

Here are some additional light bulb jokes from www.funny2.com

How many administrative assistants does it take to change a light bulb? None. It won't be changed until you fill out form #3422V - the light bulb change request form.

How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb? Interesting question, what do YOU think?

How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb? None, they are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

How many Apple Computer employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw it in and six to design the T-shirts.

How many art students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he gets two credits.

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don't come in a size that small.

How many beer makers does it take to change a light bulb? About one third less than for a regular bulb.

How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just find the problems, they don't fix them.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to complain that it's electric.

Xray photo of light bulb

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete, pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes them three visits.

How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One.

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb? Eno.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.

How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Sixteen. One to change it, and fifteen to form a support group.

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four, one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

How many Florida residents does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they're still counting.

How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to screw it in, and two to help him down off the keg.

How many goths does it take to change a light bulb? None. They prefer everything dark.

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes ten years.

How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hit man to club the other skater on the knee.

How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it really gets screwed.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two-thirds.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb? 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to hold the ladder.

How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, no! The bulb's out! Sell my GE stock NOW!!

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? The bicycle's broken.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? You cannot change a light bulb. By nature, it will go out again.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh my GOD! Like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to get an Evian, and one to call Daddy.

How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.

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~ What must be done next ~

Website: http://www.MoveToAmend.org Mission: We, the People of the United States of America, reject the U.S. Supreme Court's ruling in Citizens United, and move to amend our Constitution to: * Firmly establish that money is not speech, and that human beings, not corporations, are persons entitled to constitutional rights. * Guarantee the right to vote and to participate, and to have our votes and participation count. * Protect local communities, their economies, and democracies against illegitimate "preemption" actions by global, national, and state governments. Company Overview: On January 21, 2010, with its ruling in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are persons, entitled by the U.S. Constitution to buy elections and run our government. Human beings are people; corporations are legal fictions. The Supreme Court is misguided in principle, and wrong on the law. In a democracy, The People rule.

Proposed change to the US Constitution

We the People

I. Powers and Rights Reserved To We the People, Never Delegated or Violated Without Consent

A. The People are expressly defined as human beings and does not refer to corporations or contractual relationships.

B. No contract, agreement, or promise may ever bind any human to refuse to enforce the law, or prohibit them from speaking on matters of public interest.

C. We the People may believe anything, including the possible belief that this Constitution must be discarded and replaced with a superior document which defends the People and protects their power to enforce this Constitution against the Government.

D. The People are educated to apply the lessons of history to ensure rights are preserved, power asserted, and this Constitution is protected from domestic and foreign enemies.

E. The People have the enforceable right and power to review any public document and access any public official.

F. The People have the enforceable right to engage in any speech, communication, or discussion on issues of war crimes, government incompetence, or allegations of reckless government planning and maladministration.

G. Government officials, agencies, departments may not invoke any power or right they have denied to the People.

H. The People have the right to affordable housing. Where none is available, the government is denied the power to prosecute anyone for not living in a home, or residing in a public park, open forest, or public lands.

I. The People have the enforceable right to freely travel, without questions, and without delay. Any law enforcement officer, agents, or contacted security official who uses any ruse, scheme, or deception to engage in pretextual stops shall be enforced as a violation of this Constitution.

J. The People have the enforceable right to compel govenment officials, contractors, and securty personnel to identify themselves, disclose their policies and procedures, and respond to complaints about violations of this Constitution, the Supreme Law, or laws of war.

K. The People may not be subject to any electronic surveillance except on probable cause and a warrant before a judicial tribunal. The President, Congress and others are expressly denied the power to enact, create, use, or rely on quasi-judicial tribunals to self-certify warrants to conduct surveillance.

L. All denied powers to the US Government in this Constitution are reserved to the People to be used to defend the Constitution.

II. Powers and Rights Reserved to States

A. States shall have authority to enforce any law within their jurisdiction. Failure to enforce the laws of war shall be prosecuted as a war crime.

B. States shall, when the Federal Government refuses to enforce the Constitution or Supreme Law, enforce the national and international law against contractors, legal counsel, state or US government officials.

C. Any state may start impeachment investigations or proceedings against the President, Member of Congress, or US government official on issues of international laws of war, domestic rebellion, or violations of the Supreme Law oath of office, or Geneva Conventions. The States shall, upon receipt of an impeachment investigation or conviction from any other state, shall within 10 days debate that resolution. If convicted by 2/3 of the States, that US government official shall be removed from office. Any effort to thwart State efforts to enforce the US Constitution through impeachment investigations or impeachment proceedings at the State level may be construed as a subsequent violation of this Constitution and laws of war.

D. The States may, without notice, organize themselves to collectively defend this Constitution from the domestic enemies in the United States government. The States Governors have the standing power, right, and authority to use deadly combat force to enforce this Constitution against US government officials.

E. A failure of any State official to enforce the laws of war shall be subject to a war crimes trial within 90 days of discovering that evidence. Where there are credible allegations of war crimes, a failure to investigate shall be construed as a subsequent war crime, punishable by the death penalty.

F. States have the power to enforce contract obligations between contractors and the US government which affect the rights of their State citizens. Failure to enforce these contractual obligations against the contractors or US government could be construed as a subsequent violation under the laws of war and US Constitution against legal counsel, state officials, or court officers.

III. Independent Branch

A. All US government, contractor-provided, and legal counsel data shall be retained in an independent branch.

B. The President, Congress, and Judicial branches have no power, right or claim to not fully fund this Independent Branch.

C. The Independent Branch conducts electronic surveillance of the US government, stores that data, and ensures there are independent, safe, retained records of all US government transaction, including conversations and memos between legal counsel and government officials. Once created for the government or connected with any legal or illegal activity, these records are public records.

D. The data may be seen only upon a showing of reasonable belief or suspicion by the United States Congress, Court, or Executive Branch that the information may be useful in enforcing the Constitution, Supreme Law, or Geneva Conventions.

E. Private citizens may view any data, unless the US government provides sufficient, detailed evidence why that request for information should not be met for bonafide, lawful secrets. Any effort to hide evidence behind a claim of "state secrets," where that claim is linked with an effort to bypass the Constitution, oath of office, Supreme Law, or laws of war may be punishable by the death penalty.

F. All government data belongs to the People. Any legal counsel working for the US government shall ensure that the People's right to reliable information is protected. A failure to protect this information could be construed as a war crime.

IV. Prosecutorial Branch

A. All prosecutorial options are denied of the President.

B. The Prosecutorial branch has the power to raise independent combat power, support them, and may lawfully use that deadly combat force to confront Members of Congress, the Judicial Branch Officers, or the Presidents upon showing of probable cause for war crimes.

C. The prosecutorial power is the exclusive power of the prosecution branch. However, anyone may make a claim of illegal activity, and enforce the laws of the United States and States respectively. Any effort to block anyone from unilaterally attempting to enforce the laws of war through discovery, investigation, and open discussion of those alleged war crimes shall be construed as a possible subsequent offense under the laws of war.

D. Legal counsel are subject to public review, audit, and can be required, with fair notice, of a requirement to demonstrate before any court their compliance with the laws of war.

E. Legal counsel may be denied authority to conduct discovery during any investigation when that discovery is linked with efforts that would thwart war crimes investigation, enforcement of the Supreme law or Geneva Conventions.

V. Judicial Branch

A. The Judicial Branch is above the Legislative Branch and Executive Branch only in order of precedence. The Judicial Branch is a co-equal branch, and closest to the People and Constitution. It is least responsive, and most slow to the People's daily interests to enforce the Constitution and Supreme Law or Geneva Conventions.

B. Where the Judicial Branch does not timely enforce the Constitution, Supreme Law, or laws of war, the States and People retain the power and right to investigate and prosecute allegations of US government illegal activity, war crimes, or violations of the Supreme law.

C. All precedents under the laws of war are binding on the Judicial Branch, US government, and the People through enforcement actions.

D. Any decision by any judicial officer not to fully enforce the laws of war, Supreme Law, or this Constitution may be construed as a war crime, subject to the death penalty.

VI. Legislative Branch

A. The Legislative Branch is listed after the Judicial Branch because it is less responsive to the People.

B. The Members of Congress may be stopped between sessions and held to account for their failure to enforce the laws of war.

C. Refusing to investigate or impeach the President, Judicial Officers, or any current or former US government official for alleged war crimes, maladministration, illegal warfare, or other crimes against the People, States, or US Government shall be prima facie evidence of an intent to not fully assert ones oath of office, and punishable by the death penalty under the laws of war.

D. There are three chambers to the Congress. The Senate and House have a legal duty to fully enforce the laws. Any decision to not timely review evidence of impeachable offenses, or not investigate war crimes or maladministration could be construed as subsequent offenses under the laws of war.

E. The Superior Chamber shall decide, before any debate, whether the proposed bill is or is not Constitutional. This determination is subject to approval, challenge, and rejection by the People, States, and Judicial Branch.

F. The Congress is denied the exclusive power to make rules. Any rule which prohibits any investigation into alleged malfeasance in re the laws of war, Supreme Law, or oath of office is illegal, and may be construed as a subsequent offense under the laws of war.

G. The Congress shall comply with public audits, and timely provide within 45 days of an audit report a statement of remedy, and outline a plan within 90 days to fully comply with all legal obligations under the Statute, Supreme Law, oath of office, and laws of war.

H. The Congress may raise and support an army, and independently order that army only against the President when the President refuses to enforce the laws of war, or comply with his legal obligations under this Constitution.

VII. Executive Branch

A. The Executive Branch is led by three Presidents, co-equal with non-overlapping jurisdictions. The Executive Branch has one power: Executive Power. All actions taken under that one power are lesser authorities not powers. The Executive Branch has no power to create new powers or assign itself broader power.

B. The Executive Branch is listed last because it is the least responsive to the People, and the greatest threat of tyranny to this Constitution. The President is a clerk, not a King or Emperor. The President only manages programs. The President has no power to ignore, rewrite, or refuse to enforce the law. Each of the three Presidents shall have an ongoing requirement to demonstrate to the People and States and Congress and Courts compliance with the Constitution, Supreme Law, oath of office, and laws of war.

C. The Domestic Affairs President is responsive to the States and US Government on internal affairs.

D. The Foreign Affairs President shall have exclusive power to interact with foreign powers. The Foreign Affairs President is denied any power to violate the laws of war, or use covert activity against American citizens.

E. The Executive Branch, Congress, Judiciary, and Foreign Affairs President are denied the power to thwart any lawful State action to organize with foreign powers and agents to defend the US Constitution, enforce the laws of war, or protect the rights and powers of the People and States against domestic encroachments by the US government, legal counsel, or other US government officials.

F. The Commander in Chief shall only have power to lead combat operations during war time. Congress shall conduct ongoing, public reviews whether the Commander in Chief is or is not competent in managing combat operations. The Presidents and Commander in Chief are denied the power to prohibit Congress from using electronic surveillance or use separately raised and supported armies to conduct this oversight during wartime and peacetime.

G. The Executive Branch is denied the power to block anyone from getting access to illegal activity related to the laws of war.

H. During Peacetime, the Commander in Chief shall periodically cooperate with ongoing Oversight of US combat forces to ensure they are combat ready, fully trained on the laws of war, and prepared to lawfully be used to defend the Constitution against foreign and domestic enemies.

I. The Executive Branch and Presidents and officers, agents, contractors, and personnel are denied the power, right, or authority to order anyone to ignore any statute, law, legal requirement, or obligation under the Constitution.

J. The Executive Branch has no power or authority to directly contact the Legislative Branch by name. The President may only request, not order other branches of government. All Communications between the Executive and Legislative Branch shall pass through the Prosecutorial Branch, and retained in the National Archives. Those records are available for public inspection at any time. The People have the enforceable right to compel the Executive Branch, Legislature, and Judicial Branch to produce documents.

K. The Executive Branch, Congress, Judicial Branch, and Prosecutorial Branch, and States are denied the power to wage warfare, information warfare, or harass American civilians through his agents, combat troops, or third parties in the United states or from overseas. Any funds used for this illegal purpose belong to the People and States. Contracts used to enforce, compel, or organize this illegal activity are not enforceable, and contrary to public policy.

L. The Presidents are denied a presumption of competence until proven. The President shall always have the burden of proof, and is expressly denied a presumption of good faith until demonstrated with overwhelming evidence in public. An election result is not proof of competence nor does it satisfy a presumption of good faith, only of mastery to win an election through legal or illegal methods and deception.

M. The Executive Branch and Presidents and subordinate agency head, contractor, and employees are expressly denied any assurance any conversation he has related to illegal activity, war crimes, unlawful acts, or other threats to the US Constitution shall remain secret behind any shield, scheme, agreement, or technology. Any order a President or anyone gives to anyone to hide, destroy,not provide, or conceal evidence of illegal activity may be construed as a subsequent war crime, punishable by the death penalty. This restriction against following illegal orders may not be bypassed by claiming the order was from a non-person, electronic device, or other non-Constitutionally recognized entity, database, policy, guide, or other document.

N. The Presidents are denied the power to use any combat force, technology, or other military weapon or plan against American civilians, except in cases of internal rebellion which only the Congress shall approve in writing. When the Congress fails to act, or abuses its authority, the State Governors may lawfully use deadly combat force to detain and enforce the laws of war prohibiting illegal use of force against American civilians.

O. The Presidents are denied the power to induce any civilian to take any action that might deny them on any Geneva protections as a civilian. Any order, ruse, scheme, propaganda, or unreliable information to induce anyone to wage war, information warfare, or any action to harass civilians is punishable by the death penalty, and may be enforced as a violation of the laws of war.

P. The President, when delegating any power to any agency head, agrees that that agency shall be organized as if it were a separate, lesser, and not coequal branch. Those agencies shall fully cooperate with the other branches of government to ensure power within the branch or department is divided. There is no single agency, division, or office in the Executive Branch that is beyond ongoing oversight by the other four branches.

Q. The President shall have no power to block the Congress, States, Judiciary, Prosecutorial, and Independent Branch from a having co-equal status to oversee, manage, and organize that lesser branch. If the President refuses to substantially comply with that requirement, Congress may not lawfully provide funding for that agency, and the funds return to the States and People.

LadyBroadoak Visionary Planetary Healing Tutorial

April 28, 2007

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