March 07, 2008

I am dieing in my apartment.

It has toxic mold, carpetting that causes allergies and makes my eyes swell up and leaves me unable to see. They use toxic stripper to clean the hallways which makes it impossible to leave my apartment without a mask on my face.

I have begged to be let out of this apartment since the day I arrived.

But no provincial employee thinks my health is important. Alhtough I tried a serious suicide attempt last week (I took an entire bottle of sythroid to cause my heart to erupt and some chlonazpan to heoipeufllyl make sure I didn't feel badly when it happened) = no emergecny room will treat my ongoing depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

I got an attorney, but that's done no good.

I found out my thyroid is not functioning at all. My hair falls out in bunches when I brush it and I had to have 5" lopped off it on my birthday.

I was given a walker just so I could do my laundry (forget cleaing up the floors or helping me do dishes) over a week ago. It has never come back. My son refused to even bring me my cane while I trudged between emergency rooms this week. He forgot.

I try to stay calm. I went ot three different emergencies rooms to get a prescrption for atavin to take off the edge of the rigidity and terror I feel. None would give it to me. So I went to my doctor who gave me the prescription. Last night, after all that work, the paramedics took that away from me too.

So here I am ,, in a toxic apartment unable to breathe, with no cane, my orthopedic shoes were taken by another paramedic team, no shelter will take me as I am "too disabled" and I cannot sleep on a 6" mattress, I wake up screaming in pain.

I am as misterable as anyone on this planet.

I am about to go out and buy a huge bottle of booze and I intend to drink myself to death if it is possible. The pills they give you to end pain, are not reliable in ending your life.

I have no wish to be here anymore. None, finito.

http://www.commondreams.org/archive/2008/03/07/7549/

My only real wish is that I did, and it doesn't hurt too much and that I don't end up in the hands of more sadist doctors and security people again.

I cann't cry alone anymore.

It's just too much.

Adios.

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