Dear George,
I was glancing over the Pentagon’s Strategy for Homeland Defense and Civil Support when I noticed a slight tear in the steel chain of security you’ve draped across America’s shoulders to protect the Homeland from itself. The document envisions an “active layered defense.”
That is the problem: a layer is a layer because it is not an integrated whole. Every agency charged with the internal security of the Homeland has multiple other duties to perform. The Pentagon is busy losing a war; the Department of Homeland Security is busy losing New Orleans, and the FBI is busy trying to boot their computers. We have no agency able to devote one-hundred percent of its time to protecting the Homeland.
My recommendation is to create an uberagency whose sole responsibility is ensuring the total security of the Homeland. To show the public that this agency is serious, you would do well to call it the Secret State Police.
Some of your minions might have some qualms about including both “secret” and “police” in the same phrase because of the negative connotations this phrase evokes. Remind them that America’s historical memory extends back roughly twenty-four hours, so it will not be a problem. On the plus side, the designation includes “state” and “police” which evoke the image of the friendly state trooper changing a tire for a grandmotherly old lady.
The Secret State Police’s duties would extend beyond preventive prosecution. They would also shore up our perfection as a nation. America is the greatest country in the world, the land of freedom and opportunity. Anyone who would criticize the United States is obviously a mentally unbalanced malcontent badly in need of treatment, so our Secret State Police would be responsible for humanitarian therapy as well as enforcement.
America has reached a unique stage in her historical development. Because you possess the moral purity of the simpleton, you are the State, the living incarnation of our values. “With us or against us” is not a macho call to arms but a call to a morality that will not rest until it has rid the earth of evil. So let us begin with the purification of our own citizens so we may be in a position to purify the earth.
Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones
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