Christmas "funny pages" from Ludicrous Logic

Ludicrous Logic

Ludicrous.... yet Logical!

Monday, December 24, 2007

US Presidential Election 2008 - the biggest joke in the history of the universe since the USSR

Dear Readers

Less than a year to go before the US Presidential Election for 2008 takes place. Political campaigns are running full fledged right now. As of now, it appears that the horses leading the pack are a black horse (Barack Obama) and a white horse (sorry, mare i mean, not horse, cause it's Hillary Clinton). The United States population seem to have almost entirely sided up with the Democrats since both the front runners are from the Democratic Party. Looks like the Americans have lost faith in the Republican party after Bush's tenure.

This election is a lot more interesting than previous elections. Democrats have a lot of choices. Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president, Bill Richardson would be the first Hispanic president, Barack Obama would be the first black president, and Dennis Kucinich.... well...... he would be the first hobbit president!

The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'I dream of replacing Hillary every day.'

But that doesn't mean that all the Democrat candidates are top guns in this election. Two Democrats throwing their hats in the ring are Tom Vilsack and Evan Bayh. To give you an idea of how unknown these guys are, their Secret Service code names are Tom Vilsack and Evan Bayh.

The candidates all have varied and vastly different backgrounds. But we have some that share bloodlines. We have Barack Obama, who supposedly is Dick Cheney's eighth cousin. In a related story, 20 years ago it turns out Rudy Giulani was briefly married to himself (for all those smartypants who haven't noticed that my blog is called "Ludicrous Logic", I'm being sarcastic about him marrying himself!)! They are cousins, but Barack Obama apparently did not inherit the family sneer. This fact about them being cousins was first revealed when during an interview, Vice President Dick Cheney's wife said that Vice President Cheney and Barack Obama are actually distant cousins. When Dick Cheney found out, he said, 'I knew there was something creepy about that guy'! Speaking of Obama, the black man's popularity has caused many a stir across the country. For example in New York, Ca tholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. Or, as Democrats call it, Barack Obama! So the new Democrat formula: Jesus in chocolate=Barack Obama! Now it's very obvious that someone who is among the frontrunners of the election will be known all over the country. But this is a rude awakening to many white dominated areas who are not used to having a major black Presidential candidate. For example, Barack Obama was endorsed by former Senator Tom Daschle of South Dakota. Daschle is the first major Democrat to endorse Obama, and the first person in South Dakota to see a black man. It was a similar situation when Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently, this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American. So the obvious reaction of those people that belong to black deprived areas go like, "Wow! A black presidential candidate!". The surging popularity of Barack Obama's campaign could also be attributed to the fact that his seems to be a very multi-ethnic campaign. For example when Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser, it showed how multi-ethnic his campaign is - when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is runn ing for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor.

Speaking of blacks, the phenomenal rise of the black man, Barack Obama, has posed pretty serious problems for the Republicans. With the Democrats parading a major black candidate, a major woman candidate (Hillary Clinton) and a major hobbit candidate (I'm serious about this one, hobbits do exist, and here I'm referring to Dennis Kucinich), the choice offered by the republicans looks very bland. One Republican candidate seems no different from the other. They are all a bunch of rich white guys that oppose homosexuality. This lack of choice was recently highlighted when the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil. The Republicans apparently have found a statement to counter these claims of theirs being an all rich white candidate party. According to this statement, the Republican candidates represent all races, creeds and colours of rich white men. Not much choice there.... During the same debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president.

Coming to Republican candidate Rudy Giulani, he is a candidate that boasts of achievements like being named Time Magazine's Person of the Year in 2001 and being presented an honorary knighthood by Queen Elizabeth II in 2002. But his greatest achievement so far has been his three marriages! No other candidate can rival that! And the astonishing part is that he discovered 14 years after his first marriage that his wife had been his second cousin! All along he had thought she was his third cousin. His second marriage was to a television personality while his third was to a sales manager from a pharmaceutical company. Giulani is also known to have had an affair with his secretary. A fair idea about his relationships with women was revealed when I was finding out where and how all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giulani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife (I kid you not, this is true!). I have to give it to Rudy Giulani for his ability to stick his foot in his mouth (no, its not as acrobatic as it sounds). In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Rudy Giulani said his dreams of become a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages. In another recent interview, Rudy Giuliani said, 'According to George Will, I ran the most conservative government in the last 50 years in New York City'. Wow. He ran the most conservative government in 50 years in New York City? I wanna congratulate him. That's the equivalent of being the thinnest guy at a fat camp! Right, some achievement, ain't it? His inherent ability to end up with his foot in his mouth (sometimes both feet) has also caused some trouble for the Republican Party. Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble - when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton.

Then we have Hillary Clinton, who is facing a tough time following Barack Obama's surging popularity. As far as the campaign popularity is concerned, Barack Obama is breathing down Hillary Clinton's neck. But there's some good news for Hillary. Recently, Barack Obama said he's going to quit smoking. Now that he's breathing down her neck, she won't have to worry about second-hand smoke. The stiff competition that Hillary's campaign is facing from Obama's campaign was highlighted when Hillary recently returned from fact-finding trip to Iraq. She had to cut the trip short because she had to address a growing threat here at home - Barack Obama. And now that his potential presidential campaign is gaining strength, people are getting more and more interested in the origin of the fascinating name, Barack Obama. Turns out Barack Obama translates to 'Hi

llary's worst nightmare' according to Jay Leno. Hillary's running for president also throws a lot of light on her husband, former president Bill Clinton, the man known for his numerous extramarital affairs. Of course, the big question political experts are asking now is what role will Bill Clinton play in Hillary's campaign. I'm guessing 'the cheating husband.' Now this spotlight has revealed the innumerable differences in opinion that the Clintons have and their strained relationship following Bill's extramarital affairs. This is shown in the following instances:

Hillary Clinton is now saying she is having second thoughts about the NAFTA agreement, which her husband supported and signed into law when he was president. The last time Bill and Hillary had completely different interpretations of a legal document was their marriage license.

In a new video promoting Hillary Clinton's campaign, former President Clinton says, 'Of all the candidates, Hillary has the best combination of mind and heart.' Then he said, 'Unfortunately, those are the only two parts of the female body that don't turn me on'.

The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay'.

When the first Democratic presidential debate was held, it was hailed as a big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever.

Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because 'she can't think of a better cheerleader for America.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.'

It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'

According to the latest poll about the 2008 election, many voters in Iowa consider Hillary Clinton as their second or even third choice. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I feel the same way.'

The following was quoted by Jay Leno on the tonight show: "Barack Obama on the show tonight. He's reminds me a lot of Bill Clinton in the sense that he also doesn't tell Hillary what his plans are." How very right, Mr Leno.

You know why I think Hillary Clinton is running for president? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.

According to a biography of Hillary by Carl Bernstein, Bill Clinton planned to divorce Hillary. And when asked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, 'There are worse things than infidelity.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah. Fidelity.'

Hillary Clinton said today that public appearances with her and Bill would be rare. The only thing more rare? Private appearances with her and Bill.

Hillary Clinton's campaign has issued a statement saying she and Bill will be together this weekend in Selma, Alabama, which will be their first joint appearance together in a month. That's when you know you have a bad marriage - when you have to put out a press release saying you'll be together for the weekend. You need cameras to record it, in case people don't believe you.

Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary.

Is anybody really that surprised that Hillary Clinton is running for president? I'm not surprised. I mean, if you were married to Bill Clinton ... wouldn't you want to be able to tap his phone, read his mail, and torture him?

Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton.

Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, 'I'm not going to believe this president again.' Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, she stopped believing presidents ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience.

At the national portrait gallery in Washington, D.C. new portraits were unveiled of former President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton. The Smithsonian said that the portraits of Bill and Hillary will not hang in the same room. Boy, talk about art reflecting life.

More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on same sex marriage. Today, her husband Bill described her as a disappointment on opposite sex marriage.

Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I wish.

Recently, Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton.

Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead.

There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill's having sex with a woman over there too.

So as we can see, this election is definitely more of an entertainment source than an election since it bears a striking resemblance to a stupid movie plot with idiots for characters. I will keep you posted on the developments.

Signing off....

Yours Ludicrously,
Lucky (aka Lakshay Sharma)